Most couples are blessed to be able
to have children naturally, for an unlucky group of us we have to turn to
science. IVF is our only option for having a baby; I was eager and hopeful at
the start of our treatment as most women are. The physical pain from the
treatment was not bad but the mental anguish experienced is exhausting. Going
in to our IVF treatment I knew the statistics but I was young, healthy and
active; our odds were looking great.
I knew the outcome wasn’t going to
be good with how many embryos had started arresting after retrieval. It is
never good when the nurse on the other line asks if I am somewhere I can talk
privately. She told me the news I already knew in my heart, none of the embryos
had made it and there would not be a transfer today, I was instructed to stop
the estrogen and progesterone and come in tomorrow at 4pm to talk with the
doctor. She tried her best to be positive and reassure me while letting me know
that more extensive tests will need to be performed. Nothing quite like feeling
you have completely and utterly failed at life. Negative thoughts flood my mind
and crush the little speck of hope that was remaining. Why did this happen to
us? This pain I am feeling is indescribable. The tears continue to roll down my
face, my breathing labored, a pain in my heart I have never felt.
I am feeling intense resentment
towards anyone that is pregnant. Thoughts of women who accidentally become
pregnant or women who are constantly complaining about their pregnancy pop in
to my head. Do you know what women who are suffering from infertility would do
to “accidentally” become pregnant or have morning sickness? I have this
overwhelming sense to run and disappear.
I’ve failed as a woman, the one job I
am biologically programmed to do, I can’t. The one thing I want most in this
world seems so far. How do you pick yourself up when every inch of you is
broken?
While everything around me seems
lackluster and mute, my husband has proven yet again why I love him so
intensely. He is my rock and is my
constant reminder to keep fighting. While I slip into a depressed state he is
there to save me and remind me that I love a good fight and this is a fight we
will not give up on. Nothing worth having comes easy and I need to remind
myself that daily. I am ready for these horrid hormones to leave my body and
for my brain to clear. It is time to go back to the drawing board and tackle
this obstacle. I have picked up my favorite bottle of wine and will drink it from the bottle with no shame, I will continue to cry until I have nothing left, I will pick myself up and continue our fight.
